the recent and regrettable past

Writing about what I just went through to get out of Northampton makes me freeze, so I haven't been writing. This is the wrong tactic altogether since writing puts experience into another dimension and helps dissolve it's power to wound. I'm going to pound it out right now so it will stop troubling me.

First there was the issue of the car. I leased a car for the ex, ignoring her history of deception and lies. I blame myself for my persistent, naive belief that everyone is potentially good. She didn't make the payments, damaged my credit, crashed the car, lied to my insurance company, did not repair the car. It cost me $5500 to fix the car and get out of the lease. Even to the last day in Northampton I thought she would try to pay me back. I can't shake this naive side of me.

Then there were my home buyers. Two greedy, unattractive lesbian bullies bankrolled by dad with drummed up syndromes and allergies. From the start they were preposterous: they'd offered far less that the house was worth and wanted me to clean up my neighbor's yard. I declined. They came back; I didn't have to clean the yard. I countered with a higher figure. We met towards the middle. They had three inspections all of which meant I had to take the dogs and leave the house for 2-3 hours. Post inspections, they wanted me to fix the roof, remove a tree because of the bees (allergy, you know), and pay for a bunch of other things. I finally settled on a figure that was so low and not much more than what they originally wanted.

Money is unfortunately a source of power. Not the only source. My attitude in life, the pleasure I get from meeting people, my close friends and children, my ability to love deeply, and creativity -- these make me feel fortunate, and that makes me feel powerful. But I am not covetous, nor greedy, nor a person who is motivated by money, so I get run over easily. I have both a finely tuned bullshit meter and an override button. In Northampton I have been trusting of the absolutely wrong people. And they were all lesbians.

So the buyers exhausted me with demands and threats -- they'd walk if I didn't let them in my house a total of six more times with contractors. They snuck in while I was gone for the weekend. They wanted the closing to be hours before I could actually leave the house. I didn't allow that and as revenge, they charged me an extra $1000 as I was driving with my son to Brooklyn because of a few things I left in the house. I caved. My lawyer said that in 34 years of practice, he never came across buyers so awful, so spiteful. I don't have the ability to stand up to bullying. I'm the type who hands my purse to the thugs.

Now I'm here. I'm in Brooklyn, on a beautiful street, near a beautiful park, with kind and helpful neighbors. I am so lucky. Those awful people in Northampton can't touch me now and they didn't damage me. They took a lot of money from me and I don't have much, but I am rich in other ways.

As my friend, Em said, this is chapter one.