Something always triggers the anxiety. Yesterday it might have been a sick girl in Soho and I have a phobia of people throwing up. When I see that, I dissociate. Self-doubt, always lurking at the side of my mind, creeps in and I start ruminating.
"What if my credit is awful and I don't get the apartment? What if no one helps me pack my things and I have to pay thousands for a moving company? How am I getting the poodles to NYC if I sell my car? What if the buyers change their minds? Who do I think I am to live in a fancy area like Park Slope? What if I never work again? Why am I not married? What if I spend all the money from the sale of the house and am middle-aged and destitute? Why am I middle-aged and have no retirement? What do I do for a living anyway? Am I a fraud, an imposter, an uncredentialed phony?" and so on and so on and so on.
Today is a gorgeous day. I feel much better. I may go back to Northampton, but I would love to stay and spend the day with Theo. I'm leaving J.'s. She has to work at home. I'll go to a cafe and the Brooklyn Museum. I'll see if I can stay overnight at Theo's and drive back to Northampton with Leah tomorrow.
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